....I am sabotaging my relationship....I've always hated long distance relationships because time, distance, and other people tend to make the shit harder than it needs to be...being in Korea with it's 14 hour time difference presents a challenge that really can't be described, much less dealt with, no matter how secure you are in your mind. In short, it fucks with you....every situation takes on new, more nefarious meanings...friends become vultures....a "hello" becomes flirting...and at the end of the day, you're left with nothing but the overwhelming cacophony of inner demons and voices tearing away at the very foundation of a relationship that has struggled from the outset to exist without the interference of those who, for whatever reason, don't want us together....
She's 27....I'm 46....
....there are things as a man that I'm not willing to abide, least of all disrespect of my relationship by outsiders....ironic, in that my ex-wife used to say the exact same thing to me about friends of mine that I didn't corral when they would say inappropriate shit to me....in many respects, I often say that karma has a funny sense of humor....she doesn't punch you in the face ala Mike Tyson like everyone thinks....no, this fickle bitch jabs you....one to the side of the head....another to the body....round after round of Ali-style jabs, then BAM!! Left-right combination of self awareness and realization that she's there to teach you a lesson.....I think I'm here at that point, where I'm laying on the canvas wondering "what the fuck"....I think that I've complained one time too many about her FB friends making inappropriate comments to her or about her when she posts pictures....she deleted her FB page, ostensibly for me but I know in my heart moreso because of me...yes, I know it's a power play....and yes, I know that for whatever reason it was done to make a point...still, it doesn't bode well for me...I just have this overwhelming sense of dread that I've begun the process of her pulling away from me..I would like to sit here, typing my feelings and giving the impression that I don't know why this bullshit even bothers me....but I can't.....I know EXACTLY why it bothers me.....I have a keen and experiential level of knowledge on the subject.....
I am a man...I know when a "male" is shooting the shit with his friend, harmlessly flirting....and when a "male" is actively trying to shine, in order to make himself the better option than the current relationship.....been there, done that, got the exes to prove it...she either doesn't see it or doesn't want to see it....and quite honestly, I think she likes the fucking attention, which is what goes through me like a hot knife through butter....she characterized it to me as being "secure in our relationship", but comparatively speaking, none of my FB friends cross that "line" as much as hers do....none of the females on my friends list (many of whom I've either been very physically intimate with, or about as close to intimate as the law allows) disrespect her or our relationship as much as the males on her list do....now, if I was a random reader, I'd be wondering why in the holy hell would the writer be living his life according to FB, especially since he's in his 40s....but to dismiss how active a component like social media is in a modern relationship is to be intentionally blind....much of our interaction throughout the day is (or now, was) through Facebook....either instant messaging or posts and pictures that were specifically targeted...it kept us connected over the distance...so seeing what was being posted by this select group of "males" with no recourse or with no relief amounted to what our older generations referred to as "too many roosters in the hen house"....and although in my gut, I don't feel as if I'm being strung along, as they say, "actions (or in this case INaction) speaks louder than words.....
All of this to say what? All day, I've stewed in my own head, trying to figure out what I've done...I know I'm right in having issue with this....my issue is did I beat the dead horse so much that it died again? I wonder.....
